Mumbling of a wolf

  They say the more broken you are from the inside, the stronger you become from the outside. If you often come up with phrases or say things like 'I don't need anyone' or 'I can do it on my own', that actually means your ability to trust anyone has been failed by people who were closer to you, repeatedly. You are always a good listener, you understand people, you connect with them deeply, you create an energy where people are comfortable with you, to share things with you but when it comes to you, you are silent. There’s an ocean drowning within you but you're just.. silent. You have so much to say, an entire volcano to burst but you can't find the words to begin with. You feel you don't want to burden other people with your baggage, you become numb. You cry a river before you even start with a single word, so you become silent, forever. You often try to find peace in the places, things or even.. even people that you know won't last forever, won...

प्रिय आजोबा,  कसे आहात? आम्ही सगळे छान.  पुन्हा त्रास देत आहे पण कारणच तस आहे. परवा सकाळी सकाळी मी सायकल चालवत चालवत एक नवीन जागी गेले होते. हो, जरा सायकल चालवणं आणि व्यायाम चालू केला आहे आणि मला माहिती आहे तुम्ही हे ऐकून 'वाह वाह वाह, छान. व्यायाम करायलाच हवा माणसाने. आरोग्याची काळजी घेतली पाहिजे' असच म्हणणार मला. मुद्दा तो नव्हे, खर तर जाता जाता एक छोट मंदिर वाटेत लागल. सकाळी ६:३० ची वेळ असावी बहुतेक आणि तिथे काही जण टाळ वाजवत 'पांडुरंग हरी, पांडुरंग हरी' म्हणत होते. ते पूर्ण वातावरण अचानक त्या आवाजाने अगदी वेगळ झाल होत म्हणुन किंवा ती सगळी मंडळी शुभ्र पांढर्‍या कपड्यात होती म्हणुन किंवा तुम्ही नेहमी 'पांडुरंग हरी' म्हणत होते म्हणुन की काय माहिती नाही पण अचानक मला तुमची तीव्र आठवण आली. पुढे गेल्यावर आसपासचा परिसर पण तसाच होता, पूर्ण गावासारखा. एका ठिकाणी चूल पेटली होती, एका ठिकाणी एक लहान मुलगा आंघोळीसाठी असाच उघडा इकडे तिकडे पळत होता, चुलीवर गरम पाणी करताना धूर झाला होता आणि दगड - खड्डे असलेला कच्चा रस्ता. सगळेच अगदी तुमचा भास करून देत होते.  पुढे गेल्यावर मल...

एक टोकरी भर सपने है,  कुछ खास, कुछ यू ही है  कुछ मेरे अपने है,  कुछ दुनिया ने लादे है  थोड़ी खुलकर उड़ने की आस है,  थोड़ी दबी दबी सी नाराजी है  कहीं खो जाने की तलब है,  कहीं खो ना जाऊँ इसका डर है लेकिन ईन सब मे वक़्त की भी कुछ पाबंदी है.. कहीं वक़्त ना निकल जाए,  कहीं उम्र ना बीत जाए  कहीं कोई नाराज ना हो जाए,  कहीं मेरा ही दिल ना सहम जाए  कहीं पैसे की चमक है,  कहीं सुकून की जरूरत है  'अगर मगर' के चक्कर बेहिसाब है,  'काश' के रोने कम करने की कोशिश है  और जिंदगी भी तो बितानी नहीं, जीने की ख्वाहिश है..  कानों मे शोर थोड़ा ज्यादा है,  मन की आवाज थोड़ी धीमी है  जिंदगी के तराजू मे दिमाग बेहतरीन है,  लेकिन डर का पलड़ा थोड़ा भारी है  बेशक मंजिल से खूबसूरत होगा सफर,  लेकिन मंजिल थोड़ी धुंधली और रास्ता थोड़ा गुमशुदा है  रात का अंधेरा सुकून दे रहा है,  सुबह के उजाले से दिल डर रहा है सब कुछ यही आसपास है,  बस सब कुछ खफ़ा है, सब कुछ गुमशुदा है  करना बहुत कुछ है,  बस.. वक़्...

प्रिय आजोबा,  मीच आहे, तुमची आसू. खूप आठवण येत आहे तुमची आजोबा. तुमचा आवाज, तुमच हसू, तुमचा चेहरा सगळ काही राहून राहून मनात घर करून बसल आहे गेले काही दिवस.  आम्ही सगळे ठीक. आई सांगत होती तुमच्या शेवटच्या क्षणी तुमच्या खिशात दोनच पेपर होते - एक म्हणजे बँकेचा कोरा चेक आणि दुसरा, मामाचा biodata. अगदी शेवट पर्यन्त तुम्ही ज्याच्या काळजीमध्ये होता ते एक काम पूर्ण झाल बर का.. मामाच लग्न झाल, मामी छान आहे, सगळा कार्यक्रम नीटच संपन्न झाला पण तरीही खूप काही चुकल्या चुकल्या सारखं वाटत होत. म्हणजे तुम्ही असता ना तर तुमच्या मागे लागून, 'खूप महाग कपडे घेणार आहे आम्ही' अस उगीचच सांगुन तुमच्याकडे पैसे मागण्यात, तुम्हाला त्रास देण्यात, तुम्हाला चिडवण्यात जी मजा आली असती, ती नाही आली. लग्नात तुमच्या चेहर्‍यावर जो आनंद, जी प्रसन्नता पाहायची होती, ती सुद्धा नाही जमल पाहायला. बर ते असो.. मी छान आहे, म्हणजे कधी कधी झोपेत असताना तुम्ही भेटायला आलात की रडत रडत माझ्या दिवसाची सुरुवात होते आणि मग पूर्ण दिवस हा विचार करण्यात जातो की तुम्ही असता तर कदाचित मी तुमच्याशी काही गोष्टी बोलू शकले असते का? नक्की...

*Rough draft* :) Dear you, The shining moon on cozy nights, falling leaves on lazy afternoons and blooming flowers on bright mornings; there’s pink in everything and they all scream love. A hopeless romantic like me who’s already in love with love has looked for signs and tried finding the missing part in each simple pattern with a quizzical look and failed miserably every time. And so, believe me when I say I know how you feel when your heart refuses to give up on love even after it has been left shattered into pieces by past lovers who never turned to look back. You always believed that love exists and it has its own way of finding you, it’ll take time to write its beautiful story, all of it is just a part of it, just a façade and in the end, everything will fall in place. BUT... Love always leaves you, doesn’t it? And you are left behind, all alone with the songs and memories and places and texts. Sometimes, you blame your heart for being so naïve and sometimes you wonder if it’s ...

प्रिय आजोबा,  आम्ही सगळे ठीक, म्हणजे आई नेहमी रडत असते आणि आजी एकटी पडलीय पण तरीही आम्ही सगळे ठीक आहोत. पप्पांनी रोज जेवण झाल की तुमच नाव घ्यायचं आणि 'गुंजे गुरुजी ग हेळु आदु थोडे आव आष्टु खळस कुडु आणव' किंवा जेवताना पाणी दिल नाही तर हसत हसत 'गुंजे गुरुजी कलसीला येणु' अस म्हणायच पण बंद केलय, पण तरीही आम्ही सगळे ठीक आहोत. दसरा येत आहे आणि तुम्ही कॉल करुन (पप्पांना कॉल, आम्हाला किंवा तुमच्या स्वतःच्या मुलीला नव्हे) आम्हाला शुभेच्छा देणार नाही किंवा प्रत्येक सणाला तुमचा सकाळी सकाळी न चुकता कॉल येणार नाही ही गोष्ट पचत नाहिये, पण तरीही.. आम्ही सगळे ठीक आहोत.  (आमची विठू माऊली! )  तुम्हाला आठवतय आजोबा, 'छावा' पुस्तकासाठी भांडला होता तुम्ही माझ्याशी. मला फक्त वाचण्यासाठी ते पुस्तक पुण्याला घेऊन यायच होत आणि नंतर मी परत सुद्धा करणार होते पण तुमचा त्या अगदी फाटून चिंध्या झालेल्या पुस्तकासाठी अट्टाहास - 'वाचायचे तर इथेच वाच, मी माझ पुस्तक देणार नाही', ते पाहून मी शॉक झाले होते. तर ते पुस्तक भेटल बर का मला, अगदी तसच आहे ते, फाटून चिंध्या झालेल! तुमचा खजिना सुद्धा प...

When you wake up and find yourself in the middle of a fairyland but even that land makes you feel like you are lost, like.. like it’s a chaos. Chaos full of randomness and uneven feelings, boiling up to burst out and you can’t figure out what is it that’s exactly making you feel that way… making you feel alone and unwanted and frustrated and.. and I guess, just lost. *Lost. You don’t remember the last time you had your mind checked in and had it under control, the last time when you felt happy and satiated and grateful but you know you want to feel that way and still you can’t. You have some burden, some internal barrier that’s holding you up against the freedom and although your body is free, your mind isn’t. *Uneasy, uncomfortable! You have a to-do list ready, you know your responsibility and the things you’re liable, oblige to do and yet you don’t find it persuasive, you don’t find it exciting and you still do it without looking at the results and constant failure and blockages;...

Dear Mahi,  (Sure, it’s a bit late for this but better late than sorry.) I don’t know if my heart was shattered or crying the whole monsoon out but it made me feel depressed while the entire country was happy with the Indian cricket team getting a level up in the World cup–2019 and there I was, sitting with a confused mind whether or not to celebrate our back to back wins; (there were rumors that this is going to be your last World cup). While I was busy with my thoughts, there was a runout and I felt like felling down in a dark lane, I couldn't move.  Starting a career with a runout and ending an era with it, is this what ‘coming a full circle’ feels like?  The final ball did throw me down the memory lane.  So you see, a girl from karnataka, who's living in Maharashtra for a long time, is following CSK instead of MI or RCB has always been a topic of discussion where I have to defend my stance and my love for you, to everyone. B...

As if you were on fire within The moon lives in the lining of your skin -Pablo Neruda It is said that it takes just a blink of an eye for anyone to fall in love and find your soulmate, a starry-eyed person like me, who is already in love with love, cannot be any exception to it! I am finicky since I remember, I crave for more than usual levels of attention and love and care; but my pragmatic nature always overpowers my juvenile behavior and I take a step back before jumping into important matters involving Mr. Heart. It’s been quite a long time since few thoughts have made their home in my mind and a blurry yet familiar image is lingering in there. Lying on my bed on a lazy afternoon, looking into the blank, I realized how I’d want to run to you and cry my heart out, tell you everything about what’s happening and what is it that keeps bothering me these days. I realized how I lost the track of time the last time we were talking and giggling, and how it made me forget ...

There was a time when the cherry blossom tree of my mind lost all its pink and the sun of my imagination lost the ray of last brewing love-bud. The night engulfed you that day and you were invisible to me. I was happy. No, scratch that. I was relaxed. Because I knew whatever I'll try, I can never have you. Better your disappearance than regret of not having you in my life. A nd like the spring visits again, your name popped up one day, out of the blue. I knew, rather I was sure that it doesn't   mean anything to me now. And it didn't. Until I saw your wine-red lips and snow-white cheeks, until I heard you giggle on your own silly jokes and saw you smile with your eyes. My heart skipped a beat, again.  Surprisingly, it was you who wanted to spend some time together. We, unknowingly, shared things, sunsets, dinner and the moonlight together. We, unknowingly, walked, laughed, cried and shared silence together. It felt like the infinite sea of love is reaching ou...

Vibes boi*, vibes.  They don’t lie! The first day when we were talking, I made it very clear that I am a crazy ass bitch who keeps blabbering things and say what’s on my mind without thinking twice and you said ‘Maybe I am into weird & crazy-ass bitches’. But guess what, you were not into one. You asked me out on a date-type dinner where you were planning to cook for me and have deserts while   the moon was still hanging low in the sky but I never felt those butterflies since then or maybe things escalated quickly than they should have been or maybe you lost interest (?) or maybe…. You know what, I don’t like ifs and buts and maybes, so let it be. Oh, remember the time when you said that distance doesn’t matter for you and you can’t wait to come visit me? I felt like my feelings are being reciprocated and maybe this time it’s going to be different, maybe I don’t have to turn you into a story and forget about you. But here I am, doing the exact same ...

  ये शामे भी अजीब होती है, पहले तरह तरह के रंगों मे हमे गुमशुदा होने पर मजबूर करती है और धीरे धीरे इन्हीं सारे रंगो को खुद मे ऐसे समेट लेती है के पता ही नहीं चलता| ये शाम अगर कलाकार होती तो बस हरे रंग के लिए तरसती| लेकिन फिर इस जगह से मुझे हरा रंग भी खूब इतराता दिखाई दे रहा है, उन पेड़ों पर| यह पेड़ और यह शाम पूरी कोशिश कर रहे है साथ मे घुलमिल जाने की| या शायद कोई साजिश है इनकी, मुझे ईन वादियों मे गुमशुदा करने की| क्या ये पूरा दिन मेरी पूरी जिंदगी मुझे दिखा रहा है? पहले कड़ी धूप मे पूरा दिन सुलगते रहो फिर जाके ही शाम की ठंडाहत, पेड़ों की सरसराहट और रात का चैन तुम्हें नसीब होगा! लेकिन अगर मेरी शाम और मेरी रात, दोनों भी मुझसे मुकर जाए और मेरे पास बस ये कड़ी धूप बचे तो? तो क्या फिर भी ये दिन मुझे उतना ही हसीन लगेगा? अगर ईन हरे-भरे पेड़ की जगह मुझे मेरे आगे सिर्फ पतझड़ दिखाई दे, तो क्या फिर भी ये दिन मुझे उतना ही रंगीन लगेगा?  शायद नहीं, शायद वो दोनों तुमसे रूठ कर चले जाए और बस यह कड़ी धूप ही तुम्हारे हिस्से मे आए| शायद य...

Do you ever feel so low, so lost that you lose the track of your own life?  Do you look at the clock every half an hour and still don't remember what time is it or what day - date you're living in? Do you feel like same old day, everyday, where you're breathing just to pass your time?  Do you ever feel like all the interesting things you used to do, don't even cross your mind now? Do you feel like not repeating daily chores? Do you feel like your heart aches every time it beats?   Do you just sleep on your bed and tears start rolling down your eyes?  Do you feel like not buying new clothes? Do you feel like not waking up in the morning? Do you feel like the time should stop right there?  And do you feel like the world will be a better place without you?  Because I do. 

सुना है ठंडी हवा की लेहरो में मिट्टी की खुशबु रेहती थी, अब तो ना वो ठंडी हवा नसीब हुई, ना ही मिट्टी की खुशबु.. रेह गयी है तो सिर्फ कड़ी धूप, गड्ढों वाले रस्ते और उनपे झुंजता हुआ बेजान आदमी! सुना है नीला आसमान चूमके गाता था ये ग़ालिब, और लोगो मे प्यार देख के खुशी से झूमता भी था. नीला आसमान? है ना, प्यार भी है! लेकिन फर्क सिर्फ इतना है के नीला आसमान अब इन लंबी इमारतो और गाड़ियों के धुए में मानो चुप सा गया है, इनके बीच में ढूंढना पड़ता है उसे. और प्यार है पैसो के लिए. अब तो पैसों के लिए मानो बाकी लोगोंको तो  भूल सा गया हे ये इंसान. लोग क्या जनाब, ये अपने भाई को पहचान ले तब भी काफी है! सुना है सुबह सवेरे चिड़िया शोर मचा के सबको उठा देती थी, उसे अपने काम के लिए जो जाना पड़ता था. और शामको, सब काम खत्म करके, घर जाते वक़्त फिरसे इसका वही शोर कानो मे शेहद घोल देता था. शायद उसका शेहद रास नहीं आया, या फिर उसके शोर की कदर ना रही हमे जो हमने उसे इन सड़को से ही दूर कर दिया. इतना दूर के अब वो अपना बस्ता कही और जाके बसा रही हे और अगर यहा 1-2 दिन के लिए आ भी गयी, तब भी जनाब अब हम...

Then there was that moment when you looked at her. It wasn't anything new, you see her all the time but in that moment, looking at her felt new, her face felt new. She felt new, unknown and beautiful than ever before. She might not be having silky hair floating as the wind moves but you see her with her flicks dancing on her cheeks, secrets knitted in her tangled hair and you get an urge to unravel them. Her skin might not be white-toned, instead a bit dark complimenting her deep dark eyes, which always tells you that she's hiding stories you are willing to listen to, for an entire night under an open sky. She might not have curvy waist but her curved eyeliner makes you wonder if the eyeliner also falls in love everytime it sticks above those big sparkling eyes. Her lips might not take a shape of a perfect curve making her cheeks go all pink but you know the sound of her carefree laugh makes you fall in love with her, again. She might not be good eno...

Dear confused mind, I know you care for me, you want me to be satisfied and successful. You keep comparing me with those people you have seen back then with those beautiful physique and glittering attires. You keep comparing me with people who have achieved unrealistic things in their life and remind me to be like them. Just for a change, I was thinking about you when I realized few things so I am writing them to you. Success is a hypothetical term, defined to make someone feel motivated for further journey and not to make them feel less of themselves. Instead you watch people on social media and wish my life was like them, that lifestyle with high ranks in college, 5.6ft height to complement 28in waist, 6 packs with perfect beard. Stop comparing me with them, I am not them. So, unfollow every account which makes you envious. Some people achieve their goals by the age of 20 because they have been working on it since they were 15, I have achieved my goal of scoring ...

Sleeping in a large hall, I was excited about the next day event. I went to sleep imagining things I have to do tomorrow. Imagining things? Well, usually it's my most favorite thing to do because I can forget other things and have a low-key soothing time. Few minutes before I woke up, I could feel his aroma around me. I could recognize it because of his past attempts of trying and partly succeeding in having a so-called conversation/meeting with me, which I definitely didn’t want. How could I do that? I was taught very clearly, "Never talk to a stranger". It didn’t take me long to wake up and find him sitting next to me and staring back at me. I was confused, confused what to feel. Uncomfortable under my own skin, alone in a hall full of people, regrettable for being a girl, disgusted of him being a man or I think, may be, scared? I managed to wake up and sit back when he took a step or two back, he asked, “water? You were asking for water to your mother yesterday ...

I wonder how I end up being in front of him in a totally unknown place, at totally unexpected, unwanted times, is that the destiny or just a coincidence? But Do coincidences repeat every time? I don't know.    He's that one guy with the most determined walk whom I'd like to stalk. Ohh his Lips, red like wine; his biceps, I want them to be mine. He, the cooler, cuter and more open minded than others, I wish I could take it a bit further. Ohh wait, Flirt? No, he's more than that, a true soul who never calls me fat.   He's that one guy who warns me and says 'Stay away from me' and guess what, those words are the reason I'm more attracted towards him, like a magnet at a glim. 'I'm worth hating' be his tag line but how can someone hate the Cutest smile.  He's that one guy who doesn't judge me based on what I share but funnily diverts the topic by commenting on my flair.   But He's also that one guy who says ...

'Don't be a child, think practically', 'Stop making fun of things and take them seriously', 'Plan and work for your future instead of daydreaming about foolish things', pretty much normal lines to drag you into a real world and make you a working robot. A good prescription for your disease called 'abnormal behavior!'. Being in a different world of your own, imagining things and living the life you know you can't have or things that won't happen, is it so abandoned when you cross your so called teenage? If adult-ing means leaving my dream world behind then I choose not to grow up so fast. So fast that I won't be able to cope up with the surrounding world. So fast that my thoughts will be drenched and will no longer be able to have their own space out of your confined world. When my mind can no longer handle the stress I've been carrying or when I'm overloaded with real life problems, I choose to flow in a world full of poss...